As always…

I reached Howrah station; Rajdhani was already being placed on platform number two. I hurriedly boarded it. I dragged my luggage up to my berth. I occupied my seat and settled down. My fellow passenger was a lady, she was sitting in front of me and was deep into some novel named “The wreck” by Rabindranath Tagore. I looked at her, she looked familiar, as if I have seen this face before….doubts began to creep into my mind, she is ‘she’…or she isn’t ‘she’….. She was simple looking woman, but I must admit she was beautiful. It was a cold rainy night and none of us bothered to “break the ice”.

I went for the reservation chart, as I always used to do in my college days to find if there is any pretty girl of my age or not. I identified her as Shila mukherjee. I was thinking hasn’t she recognized me? She was my classmate!! But not any other classmate, she was special…….

It was about 11pm and she arranged her berth to go to sleep. Though I didn’t felt like sleeping I laid down, closing my eyes. Scenes from the past flooded my eyes……


It was a bus journey back home from school, when we had our first conversation. She was clever and witty in her answers. After that it was a normal thing for us to talk with each other, going back home. She was new in the school and we had many things to talk about.
One fine day she asked me, with her bright lively eyes looking into mine, “do you have a girlfriend ”? I lost it into her eyes, it seamed as if they are telling me to tell the truth or else they will peep into my heart and will find the answer on their own. I was left with no choice, I told the truth. With a proud smile I said, “nope!! I don’t have a girlfriend”. I got down from the bus but the whole way up to my home the question ranged in my mind, time and again. A crush was developed, and then every single day I waited eagerly for the bus ride. She became a close friend and a very close friend indeed.

It was last days of October, I was waiting for her to come to school today. This was our last day before the yearly Diwali break. She was absent and I was absent minded!! The whole day I missed her, especially in the bus.

When I came back from my extended Diwali holidays the whole scene was changed. Someone pasted a rubbish poster of her and she was suspecting me!! I felt devastated. The thin layer of our newly formed friendship got shattered. We were not at talking terms. We parted our ways.

It was annual sports day and she stood second in a 200m race. While returning back I made sure she is in the same bus as I am in. She was sitting on a front seat. I went to her, and extended my hand to congratulate her, she refused to shake hands with me. I looked at my, “ then so dirty” hands and then retreated.
Earlier on that day I had seen her with a senior guy. I knew it’s too late now.

Few months after, she came to know that I was not at all involved in it. We again started talking. In a blind hope to restore every broken piece together I accepted her as a friend. But she was committed to someone else now, and that made a huge difference. I didn’t realize when I started feeling the “L- word” for her, but when I lost her I realize what she meant for me. Our journey continued and of late I started maintaining a distance from her. But the feeling was still there, optimistically waiting to be recognized.


Few years down the line, we again became close friends after she broke away with him. The same bus journey again started, and when I used to see her laugh, I used to feel solace in my heart. But one thing was missing... the spark in her eyes!!

It was last few months of our schooling and again a misunderstanding broke between us...

I got selected in an engineering college. I wanted to share this good news with her but couldn’t. I cried whole night before leaving Farakka; the whole pillow was wet. I wanted to see her again. To tell it to her, how much she means for me. With a hope to meet her some day I bid Farakka goodbye!


I joined college and went busy with its hectic lifestyle. After 4 years I got placed in Infosys and was traveling today on an official tour.
I opened my eyes. She was looking at me. As soon as she saw me looking at her, she started looking outside the window. In the morning light her face looked more beautiful. Her eyes looked pale. She looked like a sad, lifeless but a beautiful statue waiting for a soul to get into life. I was thinking has she recognized me? Many questions stormed my brain. ““Is she married” “ where is she going” “how is her mother” “IS SHE HAPPY”, were some of the questions I wanted to ask. I asked her, “ Where are you going”? She replied, “Delhi”. I again asked, “ you came to kolkata for…..”? “ Family function”, she replied. I noticed she wasn’t wearing any jewelry, not even Mngalsutra. She didn’t even supported Sindoor. I concluded she is still single.


The train stopped at Patna station. I went down and brought two cups of coffee. I gave her one with more milk, as she always liked one with more milk. She refused saying that she doesn’t like coffee. As always she never accepted any thing from me. I was amazed to see that her taste has changed. I drank mine and started working on my laptop. She was busy in her novel “ The Wreck”.

The train halted at Lucknow. She helped me carry my luggage up to the door. Sushila was waiting for me on the platform. My three months old son was in her arms. I got down from train. She was still standing there. The train blew its whistle. The train started moving. I looked into her eyes. It was filled with tears, but she managed to stop them from flowing. As always she didn’t expressed he feelings. I left the station and the train too.

Just one question came into my mind, “ Was she waiting for me”?



Ajesh kumar Sharma.

24th may 2008

On 26th I have my EME exam. I opened my copy but suddenly few lines started flowing in my mind. The left page was empty and I wrote this:

I feel empty from within.
Without you, it’s nothing that I can think.
I don’t know, what to except from life,
I just want you to be by my side.

The taste of life, the feel of touch,
It’s all gone with you.
I stretch my hand in dark,
And think, if I could ever see you?

I don’t know what has gone wrong’
Those feelings were so strong?
I want you back again,
Without you what I feel is just pain.

Every time your thought creeps into my mind,
It brings a smile on my face.
And when I realize you aren’t with me,
My eyes turn into a tear filled lake.

But one thing I would like to tell you,
That, the pain and joy that came with you,
I love them and I will love them forever,
Because “I LOVE YOU”!!!

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